Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
