Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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