I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
