Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
