there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
