I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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