In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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