Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
