I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
