Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
