how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
