So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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