I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Congratulations! We have a period
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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