Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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