I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
