i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
