The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
