so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There r osticjed everywhere
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
