I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
