she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
