so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
