The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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