I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
