You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
