Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
