I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
