I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
