forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
