that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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