I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
