Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
