he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
