having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
What drink are we having for lunch?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
