I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
