I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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