the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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