I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
