I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
