Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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