in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just found puke in my bra..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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