If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
