If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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