im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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