The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
