I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
