Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
