At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
