You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
