can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
