just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
