One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
