carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
